Dave, 61, Insists “#AlexFromTarget” Could Have Been Him

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David “Cowboy Dave” Offspeck, pictured with his samples of “Orange You Glad” yogurt on the eve of the #AlexFromTarget media explosion online.

David Offspeck, better known to his coworkers and friends as “Cowboy Dave”, has been up-in-arms after his fellow Target employee, the now infamous, Alex from Target, has garnered world-renown fame and “undeserved praise” by middle-management.

Dave insists that he was always scheduled to work Monday evenings on cashier till #7, notably the same till Alex was photographed at; but was forced to fill the shift after he was called-in to work samples at Costco early Monday afternoon.

“It’s just not fair, [Alex] is always getting looks from customers and he doesn’t even wear a cowboy hat! I fancy myself a strapping young man myself, early sixties, but now he’s all over my Facebook feed, Buzzfeed, bird feeder, EVERYWHERE!”


TOM Header: May 2014 (PHOTO)

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TOM Header: March 2014 (PHOTO)

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French-Canadian Resident Starts Car on First Try

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Étienne Lemiere, excitedly sped to work early Thursday morning as he successfully started his 1991 Ford Escort on the first try amidst a snowfall and crisp -26°C morning in Trois-Rivières, Québec.

“It was quite the surprise!” Étienne told reporters after news spread around the small stationary store that he works at. “I normally spend four or five minutes angrily twisting the key trying to get it to work, but not today. I turned the key, and wouldn’t you know it, the engine started up.”

Word quickly made its way around the office after the store’s co-owner, Mathieu Delorme, noticed an excited Étienne arrive at work minutes earlier than previous days. “I must say I was pretty shocked. Étienne is always one for making it on time, but NEVER early. He’s had a lot of luck this week, just the other day he found a nickel under his desk.”

Despite the naysayers, sources were able to confirm that the car had in fact been started on a mere one turn of the key.


He-Man Caught Up in Steroid Controversy

he man steroids master of universe toy hall of fame action figure collectable

He-Man has been pulled from the voting ballot for 2014 induction into the National Toy Hall of Fame, amidst controversy about his alleged steroid abuse.

Each year the Hall of Fame inducts toys that have inspired creative play and enjoyed popularity over a sustained period. The prestigious hall annually inducts and showcases new and historic versions of classic toys beloved by generations.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise has remained popular since it’s inception in 1981 and has since spawned a variety of products, including six lines of action figures, four animated television series, several comic series and a feature film.

While He-Man has not openly admitted to using anabolic steroids, a test conducted by the National Toy Hall of Fame following his nomination to be on the ballot revealed that he had tested positive for three banned substances. Once the official judgement has been made, there is not doubt that the accolades achieved by He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise will be permanently tarnished, thanks to their involvement in steroid use.

Italian Barrel Maker has Heart Set on Hollywood

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Aspiring actor and Italian barrel maker Antonio Fornarini of Montalcino, Italy is looking towards Hollywood for his big break onto the silver screen, after an announcement made via director Peter Jackson’s official twitter account last week.

Following the success of the Jackson-directed and produced 2005 film, King Kong, the director is once again looking to take another popular gargantuan gorilla back to the silver screen. In the tweet, Jackson playfully announces work on a long-awaited Donkey Kong film, saying, “It’s time to go bananas, Donkey Kong is official! #DKmovie #gobananas.”

Speculation among fans has amassed a great deal of discussion in online forums, many believing the film will include a nod to the massively popular Nintendo character, Jumpman (now affectionately known as Mario), who has not seen movie theatres since the 1993 film, Super Mario Bros.

Antonio immediately jumped on the opportunity to respond to the tweet and is beginning to generate moral support from the 400 residents of his hometown, in hopes that their backing will land him a starring role in the film, due out in Summer 2016.


TOM Header: February 2014 (PHOTO)

TOM Header: February 2014 (PHOTO)

Karate-based Demolition Company Building a Sustainable Foundation

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From humble beginnings to crumbled buildings a Vancouver-based martial arts demolition company has been making waves in the sustainable construction industry over the past few months. Dojo Demo‘s success has granted them worldwide recognition, but it wasn’t always that way.

After several years of declining business, Sensei Martin Saeki made the difficult decision to shut down Saeki Karate Dojo, located in the Yaletown district of Downtown Vancouver, after 14 years of service.

“It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, I had put so much into building my dream. Ever since I was a small boy I have aspired to own my own Dojo and teach others.”

Fortunately, Martin’s wife, Jane Saeki, held a job as a daytime scheduler for a local construction crew that happened to be hiring at the time of Martin’s bout with unemployment. The two spent the next three years building their knowledge of the construction industry and in late April of 2013 the Saeki’s made the decision to leave the company to pursue their joint entrepreneurial ambitions.

Partnering Martin’s love of karate and the knowledge the pair had acquired through their experience at the construction company, Martin was able to successfully open Dojo Demo in July 2013. The company combined the knowledge and skills of a demolition crew with the energy and focus of a karate dojo. The difficult decision that Martin made all those years ago has turned into a novel, albeit successful demolition company that has garnered praise from the public.

After nearly six months of operations, Dojo Demo has amassed a hugely promising reputation within the construction sustainability community, having been awarded the Holcim “Future Leader in Sustainability” honour this past summer. Martin has also been able to employ his former senpai’s and is hoping to expand operations further into Western Canada within the next year.

“I have learned to not be sad when one dream ends. I instead go back to sleep and follow a new one.”

Man Hopes to Gain Weight for His New Year Resolution

new year weight loss gain fat new years resolution NYE

On January 1st many people make promises to themselves that “starting tomorrow, things are going to be different.” Bringing in 2014 is an opportunity to welcome the new, improved self with the help of New Year’s Resolutions. Often these include physical well-being, finances, volunteering and becoming more positive, but an Arizona man is taking a different approach.

This year, 220-pound Norman Shapiro is turning the tables on the traditional way of setting resolution goals to ring in the New Year. He has pledged that he will gain an additional 120 pounds of pure fat over the next twelve months, through a consistent diet of highly caloric fruit juice and cheese pizza.

“My main motivation behind this goal was that the XXL and XXXL items of most clothing stores are always on sale, so I figure I could save some money there. Plus, they just opened a new Pizza Hut down the street! So that is definitely going to help me reach my goal.”

His doctor has strongly recommended against Shapiro’s weight-gain aspirations, but says that if he sticks to a 10-pounds-a-month program it should not cause his body too much harm. Adding that he can’t argue with lunch buffet that’s less than a five minute walk from home.