French-Canadian Resident Starts Car on First Try

snow car deep wave start winter Canada cold

Étienne Lemiere, excitedly sped to work early Thursday morning as he successfully started his 1991 Ford Escort on the first try amidst a snowfall and crisp -26°C morning in Trois-Rivières, Québec.

“It was quite the surprise!” Étienne told reporters after news spread around the small stationary store that he works at. “I normally spend four or five minutes angrily twisting the key trying to get it to work, but not today. I turned the key, and wouldn’t you know it, the engine started up.”

Word quickly made its way around the office after the store’s co-owner, Mathieu Delorme, noticed an excited Étienne arrive at work minutes earlier than previous days. “I must say I was pretty shocked. Étienne is always one for making it on time, but NEVER early. He’s had a lot of luck this week, just the other day he found a nickel under his desk.”

Despite the naysayers, sources were able to confirm that the car had in fact been started on a mere one turn of the key.

 

He-Man Caught Up in Steroid Controversy

he man steroids master of universe toy hall of fame action figure collectable

He-Man has been pulled from the voting ballot for 2014 induction into the National Toy Hall of Fame, amidst controversy about his alleged steroid abuse.

Each year the Hall of Fame inducts toys that have inspired creative play and enjoyed popularity over a sustained period. The prestigious hall annually inducts and showcases new and historic versions of classic toys beloved by generations.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise has remained popular since it’s inception in 1981 and has since spawned a variety of products, including six lines of action figures, four animated television series, several comic series and a feature film.

While He-Man has not openly admitted to using anabolic steroids, a test conducted by the National Toy Hall of Fame following his nomination to be on the ballot revealed that he had tested positive for three banned substances. Once the official judgement has been made, there is not doubt that the accolades achieved by He-Man and the Masters of the Universe franchise will be permanently tarnished, thanks to their involvement in steroid use.

Italian Barrel Maker has Heart Set on Hollywood

wine barrel maker donkey kong italian hollywood

Aspiring actor and Italian barrel maker Antonio Fornarini of Montalcino, Italy is looking towards Hollywood for his big break onto the silver screen, after an announcement made via director Peter Jackson’s official twitter account last week.

Following the success of the Jackson-directed and produced 2005 film, King Kong, the director is once again looking to take another popular gargantuan gorilla back to the silver screen. In the tweet, Jackson playfully announces work on a long-awaited Donkey Kong film, saying, “It’s time to go bananas, Donkey Kong is official! #DKmovie #gobananas.”

Speculation among fans has amassed a great deal of discussion in online forums, many believing the film will include a nod to the massively popular Nintendo character, Jumpman (now affectionately known as Mario), who has not seen movie theatres since the 1993 film, Super Mario Bros.

Antonio immediately jumped on the opportunity to respond to the tweet and is beginning to generate moral support from the 400 residents of his hometown, in hopes that their backing will land him a starring role in the film, due out in Summer 2016.

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TOM Header: February 2014 (PHOTO)

TOM Header: February 2014 (PHOTO)

Karate-based Demolition Company Building a Sustainable Foundation

karate kick wreck broken construction home building brick dojo

From humble beginnings to crumbled buildings a Vancouver-based martial arts demolition company has been making waves in the sustainable construction industry over the past few months. Dojo Demo‘s success has granted them worldwide recognition, but it wasn’t always that way.

After several years of declining business, Sensei Martin Saeki made the difficult decision to shut down Saeki Karate Dojo, located in the Yaletown district of Downtown Vancouver, after 14 years of service.

“It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make, I had put so much into building my dream. Ever since I was a small boy I have aspired to own my own Dojo and teach others.”

Fortunately, Martin’s wife, Jane Saeki, held a job as a daytime scheduler for a local construction crew that happened to be hiring at the time of Martin’s bout with unemployment. The two spent the next three years building their knowledge of the construction industry and in late April of 2013 the Saeki’s made the decision to leave the company to pursue their joint entrepreneurial ambitions.

Partnering Martin’s love of karate and the knowledge the pair had acquired through their experience at the construction company, Martin was able to successfully open Dojo Demo in July 2013. The company combined the knowledge and skills of a demolition crew with the energy and focus of a karate dojo. The difficult decision that Martin made all those years ago has turned into a novel, albeit successful demolition company that has garnered praise from the public.

After nearly six months of operations, Dojo Demo has amassed a hugely promising reputation within the construction sustainability community, having been awarded the Holcim “Future Leader in Sustainability” honour this past summer. Martin has also been able to employ his former senpai’s and is hoping to expand operations further into Western Canada within the next year.

“I have learned to not be sad when one dream ends. I instead go back to sleep and follow a new one.”

Man Hopes to Gain Weight for His New Year Resolution

new year weight loss gain fat new years resolution NYE

On January 1st many people make promises to themselves that “starting tomorrow, things are going to be different.” Bringing in 2014 is an opportunity to welcome the new, improved self with the help of New Year’s Resolutions. Often these include physical well-being, finances, volunteering and becoming more positive, but an Arizona man is taking a different approach.

This year, 220-pound Norman Shapiro is turning the tables on the traditional way of setting resolution goals to ring in the New Year. He has pledged that he will gain an additional 120 pounds of pure fat over the next twelve months, through a consistent diet of highly caloric fruit juice and cheese pizza.

“My main motivation behind this goal was that the XXL and XXXL items of most clothing stores are always on sale, so I figure I could save some money there. Plus, they just opened a new Pizza Hut down the street! So that is definitely going to help me reach my goal.”

His doctor has strongly recommended against Shapiro’s weight-gain aspirations, but says that if he sticks to a 10-pounds-a-month program it should not cause his body too much harm. Adding that he can’t argue with lunch buffet that’s less than a five minute walk from home.

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TOM Header: January 2014 (PHOTO)

TOM Header: January 2014 (PHOTO)

Cold, Cold Nights ~ A Risqué Canadian Supergroup

Cold, Cold Nights

Canadian-American Supergroup, Cold, Cold Night (pictured left to right), consisting of the relatively unknown Producer Tim; Our Lady Peace drummer, Jeremy Taggart; Fox Sports 1 anchors Jay Onrait and Dan O’Toole; alongside world-renown Engineer Jim, have release a surprisingly risqué glimpse of the album art as part of their promotion for their recently announced cover album.

The album, aptly titled ‘Under the Covers’ is expected for release in early Winter 2014, the band is hoping to bring fans a “sensual and romantic experience” through their covers of classic romantic ballads spanning all genres.

Bieber Retirement Expected to Raise Sea Levels

Bieber's 'retirement' announcement has raised cause for concern over sea levels.

Bieber’s ‘retirement’ announcement has raised concern over global sea levels.

The announcement of Justin Bieber‘s ‘retirement’ on Los Angeles radio station, Power 106,  has left scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) concerned with future sea levels.

It appears that between the 19 year-old superstar’s  60+ million ‘likes’ on Facebook and 47+ million ‘Followers’ on Twitter the inevitable rivers of tears that are bound to flow from his female  teenage fans may threaten current and future sea levels to dangerous levels.

“We’ve predicted that with this retirement announcement, global sea levels can expect to by rise by close to 100ft (30.48 m), based on [Justin Bieber's] current fan estimates,” Howard Taft, a chief geologist at NOAA, told reporters.

NOAA facilities have been put on high alert and officials are encouraging civilians living close to coastlines to stay calm and informed as this issue progresses.

Your Guide to FINALS Fashion

Will Knott-Pass, resident fashion expert at the Oxy Moron has compiled a list of his favourite fashion tips to ensure you'll be looking good from A-F.

Will Knott-Pass, resident fashion expert at the Oxy Moron has compiled a list of his favourite fashion tips to ensure you’ll be looking good from A-F this Finals season.

How can you expect to get good grades when you don’t even look good? That’s why the Oxy Moron’s resident fashionista, Will Knott-Pass, has compiled a list of this year’s hottest Finals Week fashion trends. This article was designed to provide fashion tips while depriving you of precious study minutes at home, class or the library on material that’s definitely more relevant and at least a little more exciting.

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HEAD

messy hair exams finals bed head

Hair – The first indicator of how many days it’s been since you’ve showered, or how many exams you’ve written, based on the amount that has been pulled out. The key to perfect exam hair is to make it appear that you just got out of bed, ran your hand through it for 5-10 seconds and called it a good hair day. Women may find it useful to spend an additional 3-4 seconds putting their hair into a messy bun, in order to compliment the ‘combed-with-a-blender’ look.

flow hair toque hat knit exams finalss

Hat/Toque – A great alternative for the openly messy hair look is to incorporate some headwear to cover the shame of a messy bun or bedhead hairstyle. Baseball caps or Snapbacks are a great way for bros to tame their flow, alright there bahd? Toques or knitted hats are also a unisex option that also helps to create an “I know that you know that under this hat is a greasy, sloppy mess that neither of us will talk about” understanding between individuals.

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TOP

hoodie sweater sweatshirt colour color finals exams

Hoodies – Nothing completes a Finals Fashion outfit quite like a hoodie or sweatshirt. And nothing accents a hoodie quite like a mustard stain from a Subway sandwich consumed three days ago. Hoodies provide an ideal balance of warmth and comfort, with the hood also acting as a light blocker for when you are taking up valuable real estate sleeping in public study areas. Make sure you have room for another .5 of a person to ensure your sweater is too legit to fit.

ugly sweater clothes exams finals acessories vest

‘WTF’ (Well, That Fits) Sweater – These are the sweaters you forgot you had, but all that’s left hanging clean in your closet. They range in designs from ‘ravishingly hot’ to ‘raving and homeless’ and despite what the traditional fashion guidelines say, the entire spectrum is acceptable during exams. *Top Tip: Finals are a perfect time to experiment with articles not generally worn at any other time of the year, ie. swimming goggles, raccoon fur hats, etc. Have fun and experiment with your wardrobe and accessories!*

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PANTS

sweatpants sweat pants sports finals exams

Sweatpants – If you’re not wearing pants while you read this, you are are not truly a student. Sweatpants have become a ‘study uniform’ for a generation and are the ultimate admission of fashion-defeat, and thus they are the perfect bottom to any style-conscious studier. Despite the infinite wear-to-wash ratio of jeans, sweatpants are still the ideal pant to run to the convenience store to pick up your favourite stress food; and since the waistband expands, it is the only pant that will effectively accommodate those extra calories. If your sweatpants are dull, wearing a lacy pink top or a V-Neck top will make them look a thousand times better. This of course, will look better if you happen to be a woman.

yoga pants girls butt tight tights lulu lemon finals exams

Yoga Pants – The ultimate male study distraction and go-to pant choice for woman looking  for insanely comfortable comfort and apparent athletic-ness. Yoga pants are ideal for any outfit whether you plan to do Downward Dog or the Silent Cry Over Textbook poses, unless you are a man (they’re not called broga pants).

pyjamas bananas onesie with feet finals exams

Pyjama Bottoms – There are few pieces of clothing that say let’s get serious about studying quite like the literal ‘I-just-got-out-of-bed’ look. PJ pants communicate to everyone around you that you focus on comfy-ness and anti-stylishness. Onesies (with the feet, of course) also display to everyone that you are putting 100% of your thinking towards exams, rather than needless decisions about pants.

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BOTTOMS

laundry hamper dirty clothes unwashed finals exams

Socks and Underwear – These typically have a ‘clean lifespan’ of one day; however, during exams there is an unwritten rule in the fashion world that these articles gain a minimum additional three days of freshness. It’s okay to experiment here with miss-matched socks; in general it is assumed that the socks you select were the first ones you found on the floor of your room.

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SHOES

croc crocs shoe rubber plastic finals exams

Crocs – Nothing quite complements the ‘I-haven’t-seen-a-shower-in-a-week’ aroma quite like a pair of Crocs. These stink-releasing pockets of putrid plastic are perfectly partnered with social ostracism, which is perfect for the silent-studier looking to avoid friendly distractions. They come in more colours than a jumbo box of Crayolas, yet look unappealing with every other article of clothing ever created. This means you can be rest assured that your armpits will not be the reason you have no one to study with.

ugg uggs boot shoe australia girl socks finals exams

Uggs and Ugg-alikes – These shoes look pretty terrible on most women, and all men. They have become a standard in Final Fashion due to their ability to be paired with equally chic out-of-shape stained track pants, oversized sweatshirts and messy hair. Uggs are gateway drug to other bad fashion choices, and for that reason alone they solidify the last spot in my Final Fashion guide.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

You can see your exam schedule circled on your barely-visible calendar, behind your stack of dusty textbooks and study sheets. Finals are here, but that’s no reason to sacrifice your style; it is important to still understand that Finals can be fashionable! I hope you have taken away some tips that will help you put the F in Fashion, rather than your grades.

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